My Alivia is 6 month old today. She sat up for the first time yesterday and decided she wanted to feed herself today! What a mess. It was worth it to see the joy on her face for accomplishing it though! She's quite a kid! She's my everything-MY WHOLE WORLD.
Time flies by so fast. These are the most precious moments that need to be cherished. My dear friend Carrie once told me that there was a reason she spent all of her time home with her daughters. Because she didn't want to miss anything with them. Now I know. And now I understand. Being a parent changes everything that you thought you and your life was. I can honestly say that I love what kind of a person being a parent has made me. I wouldn't change a thing!
Great News!!! I have a very healthy (and active) baby girl growing inside of me! It was the most amazing thing. I had a 3D and 4D ultrasound at my appointment in Saginaw this afternoon. I will get the sonogram photos posted later this evening. We are thrilled about this news! Only 22 weeks to go!
They taunt and torment - torture and tease. These demons within. They abhor and they attack. Constant push and pull. Relentless and eternal. They cause tears and pain - animosity and defense. Tried to defeat them - make them disappear. Yet they still find a way to creep back into this mind.
Life....I hate not knowing how to take it all in....how to really deal with it. I can't seem to figure why I've been this trainwreck of emotions lately.....I want to take a long drive, blast some loud, angry music and scream at the top of my lungs....Maybe that's what has to be done to get these negative feelings out of my body. It's so hard to even put any of it into words to explain to the people I love what's going on in this head of mine. I guess that fear of rejection and not understanding from them scares the hell out of me. The hardest part is that I have no particular explanation as to why I feel like this.
I have a wonderful life. I have the best friends in the whole world and they love me. I have an amazing family and I have this awesome man in my life who loves me with all that he has. They means just as much to me a I do to them. It has nothing to do with any of them.....It's just ME....I work two jobs...Exhausting but I enjoy both of them....When I'm cleaning, I just put in my earphones in and do my favorite thing in the whole world....Hear the sound of beautiful music....It's my serenity. My other job consists of caring for some really great older people who really need me there for them....One of the greatest feelings in the world is being needed.
I'm not arrogant, selfish, or conceited. I have grown into a very confident and secure human being, thanks to a wonderful support system I know that I am an extemely good person. I have plenty to offer those in my world. I love with all that I have. I care very deeply. I am smart and fun. I have this awesome personality and I know how many people love me. So I can't really say why I have these inecurities and fears. I'm happy, I really am. So, where does this emptiness come from?
I'm finding my way back to sanity again; though I don't really know what I'm going to do when I get there. I'll take a breath and hold on tight, spin around one more time and gracefully fall back into the arms of grace. I'm looking past the shadows in my mind into the truth and I'm trying to identify the voices in my head. God, which one is you? Let me feel one more time what it feels like to feel alive. And, break these calluses off of me one more time. I don't want a thing from you. I'll bet you're tired of me waiting for the scraps to fall of off your table to the ground. I just want to be here now. I'm hanging on every word you say. Even if you don't want to speak tonight; it's alright with me because I want nothing more than to sit outside Heaven's door and listen to you breathing. That's where I want to be.
Only 22 weeks to go!